It's disturbing. I'm suffering from a severe case of 'blockedness.' I don't even want to call it writer's block because it's gotten beyond that to thinker's block...
I've fallen out of the habit of freewriting. Which is totally scary. I used to at least scribble stuff in my head down at work onto a Word doc every day, so that I remained relatively 'unblocked' but now, there seems like a million and one other better things to do, not to mention, people reading over my shoulder and stuff like that tends to put a crimp in anyone's style.
And it's now carried over to the home. I can't make myself sit down and freewrite, something just howls NO! and refuses to do it. (I am now fooling myself into a more palatable version of a freewrite by sitting down to blog. At least I am still in a verbose mood when it comes to forums, groups and blog posts.)
It's really disturbing. Like I'm no longer comfortable with myself. Like I need to have other people viewing my words before I am justified in saying anything, and it is ridiculous - why am I so approval-seeking all of a sudden?
My brain feels very cluttered. Like there are many many things that I need to be doing, but I don't want to list them or even face them, so I turn away from them and I turn away from myself.
And this set ups a greatly conflicted feeling because I know I must face them, but I don't want to face them, and before you know it I am blocked and stuck squashed between two brick walls, and I just shudder and surf the net or load up CoX in an attempt to forget about the pain. Of the conflict.
Which sucks. Avoidance at its finest.
It's little wonder why I can't even solo roleplay if I'm not comfortable with myself. How the hell do I find this peace within myself again? I hate this adult world. I want to go back to the certainty of childhood. I try to meditate and I end up falling asleep instead. I take two days off work in the hopes of finding myself and I end up bored shitless and with no progress. Gah, feeling so nihilistic.
I can't complete things I start. What's wrong with me?
I'm almost done with an orc I painted, just a few details left to go...but I stare at it and feel disappointed with what I produced and just don't want to let it go and declare it complete...So I don't even want to sit back down and start my final session with the orc.
It's the case with everything. So many loose ends hanging open, but I can't bring myself to complete. Bleh.
Anyhow, I think I've winded myself out for the hour. Can't find anything else to write about or say. Hopefully this at least opened something in my head that will encourage more freewriting later.
1 comment:
Look at it this way: human language, human writing was created to communicate -- express human thought. Sometimes you want to communicate with yourself, that's true. But when you write something there is an implicit claus of communicating, so it is sometimes easier to write when you imagine you are communicating to someone.
Why did we write, it wasn't becasue we wanted to write it and keep it to ourselves forever. We wanted other people to read it (hence the writing group with the others...not sure where they are now).
For opinion, it's good to express one's opinion to oneself if one are trying to think about something. But we also need to read what other people's opinions are, offer our own to compare and contrast with theirs. Doesn't matter if people disagree, at least they know there are different opinions out there.
At a certain point, I think after you have grown by becoming certain of yourself, you need to grow in relation to other people. I don't mean by simpering and playing those weird social rituals. I mean by throwing your ideas at people (more people than just me :-)) and getting ideas thrown back at you.
There's a pretty cunning way to "pretend" to write for others but not. You should look at livejournal. I used to have one under kelizendis. Deleted that and now I one at kritias.livejournal.com. I prefer it to blogger because livejournal is open source software, and because it lets you set your journal entries as private (nobody can read it), friends (or customized to different friend groups), and public. I find it easier that way because it organizes everything for me and I can set entries to private if I don't want anyone else to read about my thoughts.
Post a Comment