I pondered long and hard for a title to this post. "Sublimated anger" wasn't quite it. It's not a rage either. Nor a stew. It's more a low-level anger / simmering irritation in the pit of my stomach.
It has no root cause. It boggles me.
My best guess is that maybe it has a hormonal basis. I don't exactly keep track of what time of the month it is, and I may not feel 'moody' every single cycle, but it does occur now and then.
The perplexing thing is that it can be anywhere from 2-20 days after this period of moodiness, that my menstruation starts, so is it really hormonal after all? *boggle*
On the other hand, there are many other logical sources of anger.
One way I like to understand anger is the concept that one feels some level of anger when one's expectations are found not to coincide with reality.
So did anything like that happen today? Well, nothing major.
I am having a course that I looked forward to initially, but has been proving mentally very draining and tiresome for the past few days.
I had to face the slightly unpleasant fact that my explanations of certain scientific phenomena were not as satisfactory as they could have been, but then, there was a great deal of purposeful nitpicking going on to create a frustration/realization that everything was quite complex, after all. Of course, there are no easy answers either as to how to resolve this problem, so it's an open-ended question still.
I haven't had the time to play any computer games in the past 3-4 days, and while I don't have an addiction per se (As an aside, it seems to me that a lot of 'addiction' is really social obligations to people on the other side of the computer screen, especially when raiding or in a guild network, which my inveterate soloist self doesn't have to contend with anymore) I rather miss being able to relax and play games because that's how I'd like my life to be, with enough time to play an hour or two of games.
I had a Shinkendo class that I didn't really want to go for and waste my suddenly precious time, except for the vague guilt that I really should be exercising, so I went.
I wanted to attend a workshop with a subject matter that interested me, except after I spent all the hard work convincing my boss that it might be good, they have changed the workshop to another day and another price that is too costly for even me to consider, so I am now unable to attend it after all.
My mom's concerned but exceedingly loud yelling voice pumps this low level of irritation up further from time to time as she pokes her nose into my business and privacy. (So I like quiet, over loud obnoxious noises in my environment. Sue me.)
I suppose it is possible that each occurence above, completely minor and un-noteworthy by themselves, have stacked up enough minute anger to now feel noticable.
Or perhaps my hormones are at a critical imbalance that makes me more susceptible to feeling angry at stuff that just doesn't 'go my way' aka meet my expectations and is somehow just a tide annoying.
Maybe it's the lack of any semblance of balanced healthy food after eating three days of catered oily course food for breakfast, lunch and tea. Some geocities website suggested that low blood sugar could cause irritability (how far it's true, I dunno, I'm not exactly up for a PubMED search at the moment), maybe it's some other vitamin/mineral/nutrient imbalance fubaring things up.
All I know is that there's this niggling ball of moody anger in my gut that has no one definite cause to understand and work through, and it kinda irritates me further, in a laughably ironic sort of manner.
Bloop bloop.
Ah well. This too shall pass. Sleeping on it works for me.
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