Seriously, wtf. Every time I look at one of those job specs that go, we want someone who is a team player, that can work independently with their own initiative!
...I start seeing an irrational shade of red. I shouldn't let it disturb me, but somehow it does. These are the specs of someone who has not understood what the job entails, and in writing the description, just "bao ga liao" everything and cover their backside and put it all in.
It is a symptom of the terrible terrible bureaucracy we live in. The unspoken shame and fear that leads those in the public service to pleasing their bosses over the citizens, of chasing KPIs over thinking about what is really important, of resisting change and challenge in favor of the "what's not broke, don't fix it, and it hasn't broke or been broke in 30 years" status quo.
This is a very sore point for me. It's an anger trigger, if not a shame one. I feel...frustrated and burnt out every time I hit my head and encounter such things. Mainstream Singaporeans are exactly that, fearful and mainstream. Change is threatening. Improvement means they did something wrong, and of course, they would never do anything wrong. It's face, and it's fear.
My workplace is not the most hidebound of places to work, and yet I keep encountering the most hidebound of people. I have a sinking feeling it doesn't get any better anywhere else in the public service. Though, I did receive a surprise a couple of days ago when going for a corporatr organised workshop where they showed a training video created by some part of the public service which pointed out, in bravely succint difficult questions those selfsame issues of losing sight of the goalposts by following the weird comments of your immediate superior slavishly or chasing after the short term gain of numbers/KPIs for the quarter or the year.
I kept thinking, how did they dare to point this out, I should think they would have gotten crucified. The trainer also admitted she was surprised by the video.
Alas, despite some dilligent searching, I cannot find the video anywhere online. So it is either still deeply under lock and key and only brought out for the light of exposure in the odd training seminar or two or something along those lines, or it is some kind of super sekrit to be launched later via a new campaign vid. Cynicism suggests the former.
I am so... Tired. Change isn't happening fast enough. Stalwarts and diehards keep whining and sucking the life out of change. There is this conflict between innovation/good ideas and operational routine, and inertia wins nearly every time.
I want to leave, but I don't want to go from frying pan into an equally hot fire, so I want to figure out what I want to do. Haven't got there yet. Maybe I need a therapist.
The one good thing that has been coming out from this crisis is a newfound resolution to get off my butt and learn new shit. I've been putting off learning to drive forever, that's gotta change. I've been reading a lot more books in the past two weeks than I've attempted in the past two years.
The only thing that still upsets me is the amount of hours I waste every day in a job I don't get thrills out of, doing ridiculously ambiguous firefighting and daily chores. The money however is still a decently compelling argument for putting up with -some- of it temporarily.
Stress on the last word. I seriously need to work out what next, what now and now what. I... Just don't really know how just yet.
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