Saying Yes to Everything

And now for a real world interlude...

As the years pass, I fear I am becoming both more cynical as well as occassionally depressed (and sometimes manic.)

It is that time of the year again when job and performance appraisals are rolling around. Subconsciously, I always get this little chill deep down in my heart that squeaks "oh no, I'm not worthy" and fear others judging me. It is an odd mix of inferiority complex and perfectionism, that I'll never measure up or score as well as others, that no one understands me so why should they judge me, all they ever see are the surface appearances that leave a mistaken impression anyway and if I could get away with it, I'll sit around brooding about all the bad things people are going to say about me and find fault with.

I try not to let it get to me. Outwardly at least, I'd like to put on a brave front. I don't think it's helped by having an ultimately controlling, manipulative, passive aggressive boss (of bosses, now) that has ulterior motives for "lying" on job appraisals.

Really, job appraisals are shite anyway, for all the flaws mentioned in the article above. Badly written, badly designed, badly filled out, and badly completed. They have very little meaning in the great scheme of things. And the last thing I would want on my tombstone is the epitaph - scored "5"s on her job appraisal, since that would probably be preceded by the words - hounded by boss into early grave. :p

So in order not to take it to heart and let it get to me, I have been experimenting with a defence mechanism known as "say ok and yes to everything" without really giving a damn and continue doing whatever the hell you're doing on your own system of time and priorities. Address shit that is going to blow up, and adapt and flex with the rest, cranking down the doable tasks while letting everything else just figure itself out and develop on its own.

Certainly, unless it is important and strikes some kind of INTP or INFP moral chord, it seems a waste of breath to argue or protest or in any way disagree. If it does hit the above, then all bets are off, sorry, it's a personality trigger, I wouldn't be me if I didn't take a stand or not shut up about those things.

There is the danger of overcommittment to the point of not being able to cope. But to be honest, I hit that point a year or two ago and I've been running on overcommitted and drowning for the last year. Everyone's got a limit.

Unfortunately, stuff doesn't seem to take no for an answer.

If honesty and rational discussion fails to work, then I guess the only other option is say ok, and just let it keep stewing until it is time to bring it off the boil and address it.

I always get grumpy that everyone sees the stuff that I fail to cope with, because then it becomes a problem, and they never see the stuff that I do address and fix before it becomes a problem and everything continues to run smoothly.

With that kind of an impression, what kind of appraisal do you think I can get? An inaccurate one, obviously.

And that is somehow a personality hot button trigger for me. I don't mind fair assessments. I don't even mind objective criticism if it is offered in the spirit of good advice and better improvement in the long term. It'll sting a little bit going in, but I get over it quickly and can look at it and say, ok, decent point, let's add that to the accumulated sum of knowledge of stuff that can be done better like so.

Judge me unfairly, inaccurately, based on wild guesses and subjective feelings with no ground in reality though, and I get very pissed for being unjustly criticised. They just don't get it. They never ask my viewpoint or are interested in hearing it if I tell them, they'd be happier going around in their little bubble world.

It's a no-win kind of scenario.

So I end up more jaded and depressed year after year. *wry chucke*